


Full Lungs

by thebookmen2



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Do not recomend if easily triggered, F/M, Past, germaphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2018-05-07 10:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5453717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebookmen2/pseuds/thebookmen2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Filthy, this place is Filthy...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This has some intense moments (if u could call it that) I do warn u. 
> 
> feed back is welcome! I don't bite -wo 
> 
> (And if there are mistakes please tell me I wrote this around two am (oqo) )
> 
> P.S. Levi's point of view if ur wondering

[Full Lungs cover and page head Created by Rend](https://brighter-shadows.tumblr.com/post/158805041500/full-lungs)

Filthy. Absolutely filthy. 

I think as I watch the speck of dust float by me. And that corner, did I remember to scrub clockwise then anticlockwise? Damnit, did I even clean at all? Look at this place. 

I feel the tight grip of anxiety claw at my throat as my eyes dart around my seemingly immaculate apartment. The feeling latches on and spreads like wildfire. It’s on my chest, it’s between my toes, under my nails, on my face, its everywhere. I can’t breathe. How do you breathe? 

I stand before that thought latches on to me as well and make a B-line straight to my favourite cupboard. It is flung open with as much force as I can manage and I blissfully greet my best friends. Hello bleach, hello Ajax, hello everyone. I cradle them in my arms and gently place them on my kitchen bench. 

My bandanna is tightly knotted around my nose and mouth as well as its twin keeping my bangs out of my eyes. The rubber squeaks as I pull my gloves over my hands, brand new ones, beautifully transparent so I can see any impurities on my hands. Last but not least I arm myself with the best weapon a man could ask for, my scrubbing bristle and detergent spray. 

I always start in the toilet, an easy vantage point to work my way down the house, and the end point thanks to the door cut out to the bathroom. The bleach fumes threaten to penetrate my bandanna as I scrub furiously at my porcelain bowl, I welcome the toxic scent and hope not too many of my brain cells dissolve in its cleansing path.  
I finish with the toilet and thoroughly wash the rest of the bathroom in under three hours. Even if I have already cleaned today, what better way to end a good cleaning day was more cleaning, right? 

I reach the living room and curse the shelves for being taller than me and grumpily take out my foot stool. It rattles with my weight as I dust the seemingly unreachable places. You can’t hide from me fuckers, I know your there. I leave no space untouched. Picking up tiny knick knacks Hange probably gave me as a gift, dust collectors to me, and dunking them in a chemically enriched water. While they soaked I brushed off the dust free spaces they called home, making sure to get right into the corners and slits within the shelf. I turned my attention to the figures still being eaten by my boiling toxic water and scrubbed with my ‘Hanges shit she gives me’ tooth brush, but not before cleansing the brush itself. Every tiny curve and depression within those tiny buggers was scrubbed until the paint threatened to peel off. And only when they had been dried to desert sand they were placed back onto the self, each exactly two centimetres away, biggest to smallest starting on the far right. 

When I was satisfied with that the vacuum was taken out and I did eight sweeps of the living room, swopping the nozzles for the ones to get into the groves between the floor and the wall. But I had not finished yet. The broom was stolen from its hiding place in my umbrella holder (what other use was an umbrella holder anyway?) and cleaned up whatever invisible dust particles it could find. I trust my own skills more than any machine, even if it is the top of its kind, best of the best. Nothing was perfect. 

Just like the kitchen which was a total mess! I scrubbed feverishly across the beach top, the cupboard doors, the floors and every other surface I could reach with either my own height or with my trusty step ladder. My heart thumped in my chest rapidly when the speck of grime met the corner of my eye. It was in a tricky place between the door hinge and the wall, but that motherfucking piece of shit met its end, as well as any of its buddies hiding around it. 

I lifted my little supply bucket, satisfied that the speck was gone, and entered the second last room in my apartment. My bedroom. 

Carefully trained eyes scanned the bedding for wrinkles, almost dared there to be one. I couldn’t help but run my hands over the covers again just in case I missed any part of it and only stopped when the feeling of uncleanness subsided. Everything from the wooden floors (yes wood, carpet is just a dust storm waiting to happen), to my celling fan which has never been switched on in fear of it picking up a dust cloud. 

My breaths were uneven and quick but I couldn’t stop now, that feeling of suffocation has not stopped. Only when I’m cleaning I can forget how hard it is to breathe when every breath brings dirt into my body. I can feel them inside me. Rapidly reproducing and filling my organs. I could feel myself shaking and I look down at my hands…and theirs blood. 

So much blood. 

My heart goes to my throat and the gloves are ripped off and thrown into my bucket with the twelve others I’ve used today. And I’m at my bathrooms sink, practically pouring soap onto my hands and rubbing intensely. The bubbles foam around my hands but I can still see them. I can still see the blood and dirt crawling up my arm and to my mouth. I can feel the splash, I can hear the screams and when I close my eyes its clear. The darkness only brings bad memories and I see her face, her eyes looking at me, once bright and happy now dull and unseeing. 

Where’s her body? What happened? ISABEL! 

I open my eyes and a mad man stares back. Those dark orbs absorb all the light and I can see her smiling. I can see her laughing and crying and singing and oh god…stop…  
I know my hands are now bleeding, but I don’t feel the pain. I can’t feel anything besides the dirt crawling up my arms and it’s on my shoulder now. My shirt is the first to go, followed by my loose pants and boxes all landing neatly into my basket even in the state of panic I’m in because there is blood everywhere, it all over me. 

The hot water tap is put on full blast, I don’t even bother with the cold I need to be sanitised. My loofa is in my hand, already cradling handfuls of soap and now I’m scrubbing. It hurts but it doesn’t all at once and I can feel my skin breaking and I can see the raw red but I don’t stop. 

I scrub shampoo though my hair and claw my fingers though my undercut hoping that nothing has fallen into my hair. That it is only my skin that is blemished, only my skin that bears the blood and skin and organ tissue that is not my own. 

The water is burning, cleansing, and after three rounds of shampoos and conditioner my hair finally feels at least a bit cleaner but I pick up my loofa again and the scrubbing continues. 

Scar tissue is broken into and old memories flood my vision again. Farlan is staring at me, smiling like a goddamned angel as he waves farewell to me, as if he’s just going out and will be back soon. And then there was no Farlan. Only blood and gore and bone and now I’m staring at the orange brown ting on my blood swirl down the drain. The boiling water batters my back as I sit frozen in foetal position in the middle of my shower. I cover my ears so the echoes of my past cannot reach me but my defences are weak and I see Isabel’s head laying at my feel, I can hear her screams, I can smell her blood and it’s all my fault. 

Cry god damn it. You worthless son of a bitch. I watch the bright white tiles and feel the sting of tears in the back of my eyes but none have fallen. The lump in my throat seems permanent and the dark swirling feelings just keep getting worse and worse. Will I ever be able to breathe again? Can I really live when their death is on my hands?  
I stay like that, withering in the pain of the past and battling old ghosts ready to haunt me. Useless…so god damned useless…

The water has turned cold now, I don’t know for how long but I can feel the goosebumps traveling up my limbs and it’s hard to imagine that it’s not blood so I slowly stand and test my sanity before turning it off. My hand just rests at the tap now and I let the droplets drip down my body and shiver at the cold air nipping at my skin. I feel so raw, so vulnerable, that I contemplate wither my bones will break if I move from this spot. I wouldn’t really matter, nothing I don’t deserve. 

I finally don’t feel as numb, my hair almost dry, but I still rub myself down with a towel, my last attempts to destroy the impurities. I clean up my cleaning supplies before I change into clothes. My eyes catch a reflection of myself though the window. It was no dark outside. Not a star in the sky, and the moon was hiding away. I remember when we all use to look up at that sky and hope for a better future above ground…it wasn’t the future we were hoping for…

I shake myself before I enter that dangerous place of my mind again. Stop feeling. Stop thinking. 

I’m now wrapped up in a large black shirt with only my blue boxers. My hands are covered with bandages (which I sanitised to fit my needs) as well as any other place which was ripped open by my frantic scrubbing. I pull my legs up to my chest and rest my head on my knees, not really watching the television just focusing and unfocusing my eyes at whatever show was on. This was not the first time I spent the whole day cleaning, and I doubt it will stop just because I had a short break down. Any time now the feeling will rise up again and it will take over, it was out of my control. 

My thoughts are interrupted by the chime of a door bell which I hoped wasn’t my own. I didn’t move, listening intensely for another ring, and as if on cue the melody sounded again followed by loud knocking on my door. I looked down at myself and wondered if I was in the mood for company, I was definitely not dressed for it. The ringing sounded again and my patience snapped, to hell with it. 

I recoiled from my semi-comfortable position on the couch and swung open the door, not even thinking about putting pants on. If these fuckers wanted to come to my house so late then my pyjamas will be the only clothing I wear. 

I was taken aback by all the eyes which met my own. They all greeted me and I was to dumbfolded to scold. A pretty smile faced me and she held up a small white bag, “We thought you might be hungry, you like Chinese right?” Petra asked as the others rudely barged in, not waiting to be asked. My scold re-joined my face as Hange started to yell from the kitchen, telling us to hurry up. Petra smiles at me, the only one who waited at the door. 

“Alright fine you guys can come in for a minute.” I grumbled and her face lit up. We walked into the kitchen together, and I almost forgot I was only wearing a shirt before Hange deciding to point it out. Among my complaining there was laughter, a sound I seem to forget can be made by more than just memories. They all rattle on, fighting over the food as Petra neatly retrieves the bowls from my cupboard. Oluo has already bitten his tongue and he hasn’t been here for any longer than a minute. Ewin is striking up an interesting conversation with Eld and Gunther. Hange is stealing honey chicken before anyone notices. And then I’m watching them, Eld, Gunther, Oluo, Hange, Erwin and Petra, 

and I forget that I can’t breathe.


	2. The new begining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So like...i wrote Full Lungs to see if i could write in Levis perspective, and apparently i wasnt completely shit at it so. I wrote this other part a long time ago after i wrote full lungs and i have very vague memories as to what i was going to do with this, all that was in my notes was: Levi X Petra then when she dies Levi X Eren   
> so.   
> im.  
> Really lost as to where i was going with this but i like the beginning so im like...opening the comment section for suggestions as to where this can go?   
> OR   
> like, i could just continue Full Lungs and ditch this? So the comments are open for Full Lung story line suggestions too now...so..yeah...have fun

Blood and smoke sprayed through the air, blurring the image of the one on his right, strangely and almost comically similar to a man going through a mid-life crisis, and the two to his left, with nothing less than the vague stupid expressions. 

“Captain!” a familiar voice followed by the zip of metal on metal, he didn’t even have to look to know that it was Perta landing next to him, “I’ve gathered reinforcements.” And on cue they fell by her side. He turned to them and even in the middle of a battle, her eyes still shone with a beauty and fierceness that could not have been meant for such harsh conditions. But he knew that she would rather be here then on display in a safe heaven, that is what he admired about her. He only gave himself less than half a second with these fussing thoughts, more than he should allow on a battle field, she had turned him greedy. 

“Petra,” her name rolled off his tongue in command, but they both heard the tenderness between the lines, “look after that solider down there.” She was the only one he could trust in looking after his soldiers, if she couldn’t save him, than no one could. “The rest of you attack the one on the right,” it would be an easy kill with his hand full of soldiers, child’s play, “I’ll clean up on the left.” He did not give her time to hear her objection, however he did hear it over the whip of his line as he spun swiftly towards his two targets. Such little faith in him, these two would be nothing. His shoes crunched on the roof tiles and the loud and obnoxious howl which could only belong to Hange filled the air. He sighed, knowing full well that she would beat the others to the titan. Well, it didn’t matter really, as long as it’s killed.

The two ahead of him had not noticed his presents just yet. They looked so ordinary, the expressions always different but faces all the same. He had seen plenty of them by now that it really didn’t matter what they looked like, all he cared about was taking them down before they could get to him or the others. 

He was suddenly face to face with the tongue of one of the beasts, lined with those giant yellow tinged teeth. Its breath would put the slums to shame and Levi was grateful as he jumped out of its path. 

“If you splash on me,” He warned as his wire propelled him upward as it caught on the titan’s mouth and then he was spinning, blades carving flesh. He heard himself struggle with the last meter of meat but he zipped through it and he was mid-air. Like a hawk he located his landing point in a split second and as his feet touched the concreate it became his launching point and he was back in the air again. He stared into the eyes of his prey, it had no idea who it was up against. He raised his blades against the fierce wind and with an inhumanly amount of strength propelled them, blinding the eyes which looked at him with never-ending hunger. The childish rawr which would be terrifying to others but unimaginably annoying to him screeched out of the beasts’ mouth as Levi landed on its bare head. He nearly lost his balance as it moved and he hissed an aggressive, “Stay put.” As if the beast knew what he was saying. 

He was fully in control now, if he wasn’t already before, this giant at his mercy. He bent down as if speaking to a child, “otherwise, I’ll never get a clean cut of your flesh,” He connected another set of blades to his handle in a swift movement, no second wasted. He looked down on the creature in disgust. Such a thing did not deserve mercy, not after what it had done. He would rid the world of these things, one by one they will fall. Not just to make the world peaceful, but to make sure they could never take another life again. The longer he took to take down one of these things the more of his soldiers could be dying. So he jumped, pouring all of his power into the deadly spin and the titan moved but did not avoid the blades that sliced its flesh and muscle, making it rain blood. Levi shielded his eyes and growled in displeasure as he was soaked in red. 

“Damnit.” He snarled as he stopped falling and flipped onto the nearest roof. He could feel the sticky blood under his blades and soaked into his palms before he even got a chance to see. He stared at the smoking gore which covered him and tsked. So this was the titans’ revenge, what a disgusting way to leave this earth. “Filthy.” He observed, the repulsion only needing to be expressed in his voice. His handkerchief was out before the blood had time to sizzle to nothing and he cleaned his hand and blade thoroughly in a routine, everything around him forgotten for a moment as he focused on the task to be clean. He felt dirty, even when his hand was red from his intense scrubbing he could still feel the ghost of the blood on his hands. As he started the scrubbing again reality hit him and he looked up from his hands to the roof tops. He had left Petra with his solider, he had to get back not just to protect them but to carry his dying man to safety. 

He was already flying through the sky before the thought finished and he landed near the scene. Even before he reached him, he could see that he would lose this man today. Petra looked up at him, her fierceness replaced with pleading and despair. 

“Captain,” she cried, she was trembling. Even if they had seen this sight a million times, it did not numb them of the raw emotion they had to face. Even if his expression did not waver, what he felt did not match his stone cold exterior. “The bleeding won’t stop…” she was applying pressure to his wound but the cloth was slowly soaking up red which was not going to stop any time soon. There was nothing he could do for this man and that sort of helplessness was not welcome to him. 

“C-Cap…tain…” the man whispered, almost unheard by the man in question. Levi went to his side, up-close the pale white of his skin and his unfocused eyes stamped reality of this man’s last words. Levi would listen to them and comfort his solider in preparation of death. 

“What is it?” He asked, squatting close to his comrade to hear his last breaths. 

“W-Was I able…” the man started, struggling against death to speak with his commanding officer, his hero, “to help humanity?” his voice cracked, as if he were about to cry. He reached out for hope, lifting his arm with the last of his strength, “Or will I die…” What use was his death, how did he help? “Never having been any use at all?” That was all they really wanted, to make a difference in this one sided war. Even as the solider asked it, he answered himself, of course he made no difference, he wasn’t even worth titan fodder. He was caught by surprise as he felt another hand on his, gripping into a death lock. Grime slid under the hold, and his eye brimmed with tears. Surly that could not be Levis hand? 

“You have done a great deal.” His captain said, his voice grave but truthful, “and you will continue to do so,” the hand squeezed harder and the comfort was welcome as the man focused on Levis words, “The resolve you leave behind will give me strength.” Yes, you will not die in vain, you have a purpose, you will live on, “I promise you,” his mask had fallen off and Levi showed the dying man his devotion in not just his voice but his face as well, “I will obliterate the titans.” He promised, and it was not just words but the truth. He would never lie to his men, never to his comrades, especially on their death bed. 

Blood trickled down his hand as he waited for his soldiers’ response, but even before Petra said anything, he knew of his comrades passing, “Heichou,” she whispered in a grave voice not meant for a women such as her, “He’s gone.” She looked away, hiding tears which escaped her. He stared at the man whose will he had just taken, but no tears came, something worse than that swelled in his chest. A dark emotion he was not foreign with. 

“Did he hear me to the very end?” he asked and Perta looked up at him, tears already making tracks in her skin. 

“Yes, I’m sure he did.” She looked at the man, bloody and white, “Look…” her voice cracked and he reached for her hand as well before he stared at the man, “He seems so at peace…” and he did. Such a peaceful expression was so alien so close to titans. But he would live on, Levi would kill all the titans, his men could live on even in death by his side and help him destroy them all. One by one. 

Petra squeezed his hand and he squeezed back, “Very well, then.” He stood at the sound of horses, ready for his next orders even before they were set, he won’t let these soldiers die in vain, he was ready to advance. 

“Levi.” Erwin called and he turned to see his commander, “We’re pulling back.” He had not prepared for that. 

“Pulling back?” he did not try to hide the anger in his voice, “We have yet to push ourselves to the limit! Are my men dying for nothing?” It was a dangerous question, Levi knew Erwin would not pull back without a good reason, but good men had died today, he would not leave unless this good reason was good enough. 

“The titans are heading North, towards town,” Erwin stated, unfazed by the small man’s tone. He could not help but follow Petras lead as she gasped in surprise. This was bad news, terrible news. Just like five years ago…he did not want that to repeat. He turned to Petra and he knew she was thinking it too. 

The walls have been breached. 

 

The horse’s muscles protested as Levi urged it to go faster. His squad followed swiftly behind in their make shift formation. Petra constantly tried to ride up beside him, however his speed quickly outmatched her own horse and he was not willing to admit it could be because of his size. There were no sight of titans, not even a single cry from the monsters. He didn’t know whether to be grateful for it or not. It was just more proof the titans were gathering at the wall. 

His hand slipped against the rains and he stared at the blood of his fallen comrade still stuck to his skin. He did not want this man to suffer by the sight of fallen walls, so with as much delicacy he possessed while riding a horse at top speed, he gently wiped his hand clean with a fresh handkerchief. As he stored it in his jacket pocket to be buried with proper respect later, the fuzzing grey of the walls touched the horizon. 

Squinting, he pressed his horse faster, “come on girl,” He whispered and watched as smoke rose above the walls. He tried to blame it on a fire, or maybe a misfired cannon, but it was a clear blood red. Titan spotted, or mission failure, either two a bad sign. 

“Levi!” Petra cried, she saw it too, they all did. Levi stared at the gaping hole within the titanic walls of Rose. Just like five years ago. 

How many were dead? Has the next wall been breached as well? Where are the colossal titan and armoured? 

“New orders!” Erwin yells, his small battalion of soldiers listened carefully against the wind, “Make it to the walls, do not engage in battle!” this was followed by a round of ‘yes sir!’ which Levi did not participate in. Instead he demonstrated his annoyance with a tsk and road on ahead, putting less distance between him and the walls.   
The small figures which appeared to be ants grew into men, towered by the titans. Levi was on a path to the fastest to the wall, his comrades following close behind. The closer they advanced, the more titans appeared. Levi looked back to Petra, her eyes fixed on him full of respect and determination. The first wave of titans hit and they were down as fast as they came thanks to Eld Jinn and Gunther Schultz, two of his best in his squad. Something similar to pride swelled in Levis chest as he met their gazes. Eld nodded towards the wall and Levi received the message loud and clear.


End file.
